Absent Parent

When I got pregnant with my firstborn, I was not concerned with becoming a parent, because my mother was a great example of a parent, and I had family and friend support.  What I was concerned with was being a single parent.  This was the one thing that deterred me from wanting to have children at all. 

You see, I grew up without my biological father being an intricate part of my life.  I had a great step-father, but there is no replacement for a biological parent.  There is always a question of why he or she is not in your life.  As a kid, you wonder if you have done anything to make the absent parent leave.  You have thoughts that may seem ridiculous to others: am I ugly, am I too much, does he/she love me, what have I done, can I change and make it better…  These questions haunt you for years.  Even after the present parent continues to reassure you that there was nothing you could have done differently, you still hold an empty spot where your biological parent should fill.

Of course, I did not realize how deeply I was affected until I became pregnant.  After several promises and well thought out plans between the father and myself, I still found myself being a single parent.  This was not the plan at all.  Originally I was bitter.  I even began to hate the man that claimed love and that he would never leave his children regardless of what happened in our relationship.  The hate was hard to get over because I was constantly reminded of the one thing I truly did not want my children to experience because I knew first- hand how very difficult it is to have an absent parent, and even worse, a parent who is absent by choice. 

I also knew, as a female, how hard the rejection would be for my daughter.  Though her father did not actually reject her, he actively did so by remaining absent.  I knew that she would have issues with other males in her life.  I knew she would feel unloved, unworthy, and be at risk for accepting the first Joe Blow that whispered words of care, love, and who showed an interest.  There is no amount of teaching that can help a child truly understand that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are perfect, that they are worthy of love from both parents, that they are beautiful, and that they should not accept anything that is less than 100 from anyone attempting to enter a relationship with them when you have a parent who has chosen to be absent.  I have fought these feelings of unworthiness personally and I have tried to help my daughter navigate these feelings as well.  Though I have loved her with everything I have, the absent parent hole has never truly been filled in her life. 

Now, she is an adult attempting to navigate through life.  There are times that it seems like she have overcome the absence.  Then, there are times that it is evident she needed the absent parent to show her things I could not just by the very nature of me being a woman.  I could not teach my daughter the respectful love of a man because I am not a man.  I could tell her what it looks like.  Eventually I married a man who portrayed godly characteristics.  However, her forming years were over, and she has not really grasped what a loving man looks like.  Though she had men in her life who were positive role models, her father was not available, he was not there to teach her the basic principles of a man.  She does not understand that a man who loves you, respects you.  A man who respects you, covers you.  A man who covers you, protects you.  A man who protects you, loves you. 

I pray daily for my daughter to realize her worth, first in Christ, and then as a woman, because I want her to understand that she is a priceless jewel.  Not only is she beautiful outwardly, but she also has much to offer any relationship.  However, after over 18 years of wanting, it seems to get more and more difficult to put the mirror in her face and have her realize that she is worthy. 

So, for all those parents who could not make the relationship work, please do not allow your children to go lacking.  Children need both parents.  Work on the parent – child relationship in order to ensure your children are complete.  God is showing me every day that He is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  I will continue to depend upon Him to heal my daughter and complete her.

Addictions

Addictions are real.  Though most people are aware of common addictions, drugs, alcohol, sex, and OTCs.  Many are not aware of emotional addictions.  There are some who are addicted to abusive behavior.  Because of low self-esteem some believe that they deserve bad treatment.  These people stay in relationships long after they have become toxic.  The abuse is not always physical, but oftentimes emotional, mental, and verbal.  However, though the abused thinks they are okay, they are dying inside. 

What do you do to help a person who seems to only be happy when they are being taken advantage of?  How do you talk to a person who allows another to trample over them?  This is a very precarious situation to be involved in.  As with a physically abused person, they have to realize that this behavior is not appropriate, and they have to have the courage to step away from the situation.  This is not always easy, as they have been trained that they are nothing, they are ugly, they won’t survive, etc.  Fear is a major part of why the abused will stay in an abusive relationship.  They have become addicted to the treatment, thinking it is right, and the fear of doing “wrong” keeps them bound to the very person that is causing the harm. 

So, to all those who are abused, know that I am praying for God to open your eyes to the spiritual implications that are present in your situation.  I pray that you look in the mirror and see who God sees and who He has created you to be.  I pray that you will gain the courage to walk away from the abuser, regardless of the provision provided.  I pray for earthly angels to cross your path and help you, lead you, and direct you to the places you need to go for help.  I pray for family members to be patiently prayerful during this season of your life, and to be there when you do come to the realization that you are better.

Addictions are real.  Even the ones you can’t properly diagnose, monitor, or measure.

#ChangingTheWayIHandleThings

The Past

So often we are told to leave the past in the past.  People say things like “move on” or “get on with your life”.  I have no problem with people continuing their lives when traumatic things happen.  I do, however, have a problem with people trying to rush others through the process.  I do not promote stagnation, but neither do I support rushing through in an attempt to please someone else.  It seems there are some who are not in tune with their own feelings and emotions, and because of this, they find it hard when someone is openly or vaguely expressing emotions such as hurt, fear, or grief. 

I would like to give a little advice to those who are pushing others to sprint through a process that should be walked through.  Stop!  Though you are uncomfortable watching someone you care about go through the process, you do not have the right to rush them.  Just be a friend and be there.  Sometimes words are not needed, just knowing you care enough to be there is enough.

A word of advice to those who are struggling in the process.  Continue your struggle in your time.  Stay in this place as long as you need to as long as you are moving.  The pace of your movement is not important, it is the act of moving that dictates that you are still healing and that you are in the process.

For anyone saying “get over it,” “move on,” or “leave the past in the past,” to you I say, SHUT UP!  Let me explain to you what my past includes:  In my past I was molested, beat, choked to death, and abused.  My past contains some great hurdles that I was able to overcome and be successful in spite of them.  My past contains love, caring, family, friends, experiences that are great, laughter, and growth. I gave birth to two beautiful, smart, educated, and loving children in my past. These things I want to always be able to remember when life gets a little rough.  They can encourage me to continue in forward progress.  My past also contains death of family, friends, loved ones, and most importantly my mother.  Though this experience was extremely difficult, it was also a defining moment for me in my faith.  With her passing, I realized where I was spiritually and the things that I needed to work on.  I found out that my sisters and I are an unbreakable bond and that we bind more closely together when anything attacks our hearts, our peace, or our love.  I found through all of my past experiences that I am stronger than I thought, and there is a support system out there of people who literally cover me in prayer.  I found that though I don’t always feel God, I know He is with me.

So, I will never completely move on, get over it, or leave the past in the past, because it is my past that has defined who I am today.  Every experience has marked me in some manner.  Every scar has taught me a lesson.  Every joy has built my faith.  My past is me.  I don’t have to live in the past, but I also realize that my past prepared me to walk into the future God has destined for me.

#LoveThePast

#LearnFromThePast