Absent Parent

When I got pregnant with my firstborn, I was not concerned with becoming a parent, because my mother was a great example of a parent, and I had family and friend support.  What I was concerned with was being a single parent.  This was the one thing that deterred me from wanting to have children at all. 

You see, I grew up without my biological father being an intricate part of my life.  I had a great step-father, but there is no replacement for a biological parent.  There is always a question of why he or she is not in your life.  As a kid, you wonder if you have done anything to make the absent parent leave.  You have thoughts that may seem ridiculous to others: am I ugly, am I too much, does he/she love me, what have I done, can I change and make it better…  These questions haunt you for years.  Even after the present parent continues to reassure you that there was nothing you could have done differently, you still hold an empty spot where your biological parent should fill.

Of course, I did not realize how deeply I was affected until I became pregnant.  After several promises and well thought out plans between the father and myself, I still found myself being a single parent.  This was not the plan at all.  Originally I was bitter.  I even began to hate the man that claimed love and that he would never leave his children regardless of what happened in our relationship.  The hate was hard to get over because I was constantly reminded of the one thing I truly did not want my children to experience because I knew first- hand how very difficult it is to have an absent parent, and even worse, a parent who is absent by choice. 

I also knew, as a female, how hard the rejection would be for my daughter.  Though her father did not actually reject her, he actively did so by remaining absent.  I knew that she would have issues with other males in her life.  I knew she would feel unloved, unworthy, and be at risk for accepting the first Joe Blow that whispered words of care, love, and who showed an interest.  There is no amount of teaching that can help a child truly understand that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are perfect, that they are worthy of love from both parents, that they are beautiful, and that they should not accept anything that is less than 100 from anyone attempting to enter a relationship with them when you have a parent who has chosen to be absent.  I have fought these feelings of unworthiness personally and I have tried to help my daughter navigate these feelings as well.  Though I have loved her with everything I have, the absent parent hole has never truly been filled in her life. 

Now, she is an adult attempting to navigate through life.  There are times that it seems like she have overcome the absence.  Then, there are times that it is evident she needed the absent parent to show her things I could not just by the very nature of me being a woman.  I could not teach my daughter the respectful love of a man because I am not a man.  I could tell her what it looks like.  Eventually I married a man who portrayed godly characteristics.  However, her forming years were over, and she has not really grasped what a loving man looks like.  Though she had men in her life who were positive role models, her father was not available, he was not there to teach her the basic principles of a man.  She does not understand that a man who loves you, respects you.  A man who respects you, covers you.  A man who covers you, protects you.  A man who protects you, loves you. 

I pray daily for my daughter to realize her worth, first in Christ, and then as a woman, because I want her to understand that she is a priceless jewel.  Not only is she beautiful outwardly, but she also has much to offer any relationship.  However, after over 18 years of wanting, it seems to get more and more difficult to put the mirror in her face and have her realize that she is worthy. 

So, for all those parents who could not make the relationship work, please do not allow your children to go lacking.  Children need both parents.  Work on the parent – child relationship in order to ensure your children are complete.  God is showing me every day that He is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  I will continue to depend upon Him to heal my daughter and complete her.