Absent Parent

When I got pregnant with my firstborn, I was not concerned with becoming a parent, because my mother was a great example of a parent, and I had family and friend support.  What I was concerned with was being a single parent.  This was the one thing that deterred me from wanting to have children at all. 

You see, I grew up without my biological father being an intricate part of my life.  I had a great step-father, but there is no replacement for a biological parent.  There is always a question of why he or she is not in your life.  As a kid, you wonder if you have done anything to make the absent parent leave.  You have thoughts that may seem ridiculous to others: am I ugly, am I too much, does he/she love me, what have I done, can I change and make it better…  These questions haunt you for years.  Even after the present parent continues to reassure you that there was nothing you could have done differently, you still hold an empty spot where your biological parent should fill.

Of course, I did not realize how deeply I was affected until I became pregnant.  After several promises and well thought out plans between the father and myself, I still found myself being a single parent.  This was not the plan at all.  Originally I was bitter.  I even began to hate the man that claimed love and that he would never leave his children regardless of what happened in our relationship.  The hate was hard to get over because I was constantly reminded of the one thing I truly did not want my children to experience because I knew first- hand how very difficult it is to have an absent parent, and even worse, a parent who is absent by choice. 

I also knew, as a female, how hard the rejection would be for my daughter.  Though her father did not actually reject her, he actively did so by remaining absent.  I knew that she would have issues with other males in her life.  I knew she would feel unloved, unworthy, and be at risk for accepting the first Joe Blow that whispered words of care, love, and who showed an interest.  There is no amount of teaching that can help a child truly understand that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are perfect, that they are worthy of love from both parents, that they are beautiful, and that they should not accept anything that is less than 100 from anyone attempting to enter a relationship with them when you have a parent who has chosen to be absent.  I have fought these feelings of unworthiness personally and I have tried to help my daughter navigate these feelings as well.  Though I have loved her with everything I have, the absent parent hole has never truly been filled in her life. 

Now, she is an adult attempting to navigate through life.  There are times that it seems like she have overcome the absence.  Then, there are times that it is evident she needed the absent parent to show her things I could not just by the very nature of me being a woman.  I could not teach my daughter the respectful love of a man because I am not a man.  I could tell her what it looks like.  Eventually I married a man who portrayed godly characteristics.  However, her forming years were over, and she has not really grasped what a loving man looks like.  Though she had men in her life who were positive role models, her father was not available, he was not there to teach her the basic principles of a man.  She does not understand that a man who loves you, respects you.  A man who respects you, covers you.  A man who covers you, protects you.  A man who protects you, loves you. 

I pray daily for my daughter to realize her worth, first in Christ, and then as a woman, because I want her to understand that she is a priceless jewel.  Not only is she beautiful outwardly, but she also has much to offer any relationship.  However, after over 18 years of wanting, it seems to get more and more difficult to put the mirror in her face and have her realize that she is worthy. 

So, for all those parents who could not make the relationship work, please do not allow your children to go lacking.  Children need both parents.  Work on the parent – child relationship in order to ensure your children are complete.  God is showing me every day that He is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  I will continue to depend upon Him to heal my daughter and complete her.

Addictions

Addictions are real.  Though most people are aware of common addictions, drugs, alcohol, sex, and OTCs.  Many are not aware of emotional addictions.  There are some who are addicted to abusive behavior.  Because of low self-esteem some believe that they deserve bad treatment.  These people stay in relationships long after they have become toxic.  The abuse is not always physical, but oftentimes emotional, mental, and verbal.  However, though the abused thinks they are okay, they are dying inside. 

What do you do to help a person who seems to only be happy when they are being taken advantage of?  How do you talk to a person who allows another to trample over them?  This is a very precarious situation to be involved in.  As with a physically abused person, they have to realize that this behavior is not appropriate, and they have to have the courage to step away from the situation.  This is not always easy, as they have been trained that they are nothing, they are ugly, they won’t survive, etc.  Fear is a major part of why the abused will stay in an abusive relationship.  They have become addicted to the treatment, thinking it is right, and the fear of doing “wrong” keeps them bound to the very person that is causing the harm. 

So, to all those who are abused, know that I am praying for God to open your eyes to the spiritual implications that are present in your situation.  I pray that you look in the mirror and see who God sees and who He has created you to be.  I pray that you will gain the courage to walk away from the abuser, regardless of the provision provided.  I pray for earthly angels to cross your path and help you, lead you, and direct you to the places you need to go for help.  I pray for family members to be patiently prayerful during this season of your life, and to be there when you do come to the realization that you are better.

Addictions are real.  Even the ones you can’t properly diagnose, monitor, or measure.

#ChangingTheWayIHandleThings

The Past

So often we are told to leave the past in the past.  People say things like “move on” or “get on with your life”.  I have no problem with people continuing their lives when traumatic things happen.  I do, however, have a problem with people trying to rush others through the process.  I do not promote stagnation, but neither do I support rushing through in an attempt to please someone else.  It seems there are some who are not in tune with their own feelings and emotions, and because of this, they find it hard when someone is openly or vaguely expressing emotions such as hurt, fear, or grief. 

I would like to give a little advice to those who are pushing others to sprint through a process that should be walked through.  Stop!  Though you are uncomfortable watching someone you care about go through the process, you do not have the right to rush them.  Just be a friend and be there.  Sometimes words are not needed, just knowing you care enough to be there is enough.

A word of advice to those who are struggling in the process.  Continue your struggle in your time.  Stay in this place as long as you need to as long as you are moving.  The pace of your movement is not important, it is the act of moving that dictates that you are still healing and that you are in the process.

For anyone saying “get over it,” “move on,” or “leave the past in the past,” to you I say, SHUT UP!  Let me explain to you what my past includes:  In my past I was molested, beat, choked to death, and abused.  My past contains some great hurdles that I was able to overcome and be successful in spite of them.  My past contains love, caring, family, friends, experiences that are great, laughter, and growth. I gave birth to two beautiful, smart, educated, and loving children in my past. These things I want to always be able to remember when life gets a little rough.  They can encourage me to continue in forward progress.  My past also contains death of family, friends, loved ones, and most importantly my mother.  Though this experience was extremely difficult, it was also a defining moment for me in my faith.  With her passing, I realized where I was spiritually and the things that I needed to work on.  I found out that my sisters and I are an unbreakable bond and that we bind more closely together when anything attacks our hearts, our peace, or our love.  I found through all of my past experiences that I am stronger than I thought, and there is a support system out there of people who literally cover me in prayer.  I found that though I don’t always feel God, I know He is with me.

So, I will never completely move on, get over it, or leave the past in the past, because it is my past that has defined who I am today.  Every experience has marked me in some manner.  Every scar has taught me a lesson.  Every joy has built my faith.  My past is me.  I don’t have to live in the past, but I also realize that my past prepared me to walk into the future God has destined for me.

#LoveThePast

#LearnFromThePast

Thankful

Several years ago there was this man who wanted to get into a relationship with me.  This individual was successful in his business dealings and he was financially set.  He made a point to inform me how much he was worth, and that he could provide for me in any way.  The only thing was this man was married with a family.  When I asked him about this, he responded that he was not happy in the marriage and that his wife had cheated on him years ago causing a lack of trust.  I asked why had he not divorced his wife and moved on with his life.  His excuse was that they had children, and as soon as the youngest child was in college he was going to file for divorce, but he didn’t want to break up their family and cause that turmoil on his children. 

I could understand his reasoning, but I could not understand how he was willing to do the very thing that caused him to distrust his wife.  I was also offended that he thought I would be a part of his plan, while waiting for at least eight years for his youngest child to graduate high school.  Needless to say, I did not get involved in this relationship even after countless attempts.  This married man would plan trips to come and visit me, and I would be unavailable because I knew the purpose of the visit.  This person would call me at all times of night until I blocked his number.  He would contact me via facebook messenger to have lengthy conversations until I expressed to him that this was not for me, and I unfriended him.  He was persistent.  As a single mother, there were times that I considered his proposal, because my money was not as vast as his.  However, I never acted on the consideration.

I am glad that I never fell into the trap of lies this man fed me, because today, his youngest child is probably around thirty years of age and he and his wife are still married.  I am not sure if they are happily married or not, but the point is they are still married.

So, during this Thanksgiving season, I would like to express that I am thankful that I did not allow the lure of financial gifts to draw me into a relationship that would have devalued who I am and dishonored my Christian beliefs.  I am thankful that I waited for the man, the King that God had for me.  I am thankful that I am in a loving, caring, productive, honest, and faithful relationship with a man who values me and my faith.

Prayer

The thing about prayer is that everyone sees it differently.  Some see prayer as communication with God, while others consider prayer a means to an end.  I can't tell anyone how to pray, nor can I tell you what prayer is to you.  However, I can say that prayer is my lifeline.  If I am unable to pray, I find it hard to maneuver through life with all its twists and turns.  My prayers are not a laundry list of demands, desires, and requests.  My prayer is usually a time to thank God for what He has done for me, and of course I pray for my family and those I know - even those I don't know.  I pray for the state of the nation, and yes I often wonder if my prayers are heard.  Either way, I pray. 

My one hope is prayer - - - What is yours?  What is the thing that allows you to live in a dying world?  Whatever it is, keep doing it.  We need you to live!

Warfare

The other day I was in a low place.  I was exhausted from everything going on in my life, and I was not feeling well.  I had other obligations, and this included a meeting.  During this meeting, I was ridiculed for one thing.  It was not too bad, but this ridicule coupled with fatigue broke me emotionally.  I have never felt this way before, and I have battled depression.  

This brokenness was different from anything I have ever experienced.  As I traveled home, I was on this road that is normally dark and scarcely traveled.  As I drove, the enemy attacked me in a manner that both shocked and scared me.  Every failure, every rejection, every misstep, and every mistake was whispered to me.  It was as if there were several people in my car just reminding me of the times I was not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough….not enough.  I literally felt darkness trying to invade my being, my soul.  I pulled over and cried out to God.  I realized this was something different, something that I could not fight alone, actually, I could not fight this at all.  There was no way to physically fight a spiritual being or attack. 

God fought for me, and I came out victorious, but not without knowledge.  I realized that in my busyness, I have not been as apt to study God’s word or really sit at His feet and allow Him to talk to me and prepare me for the unknown.  This is why I was caught off guard.  I was ready to give up EVERYTHING and just be when this attack started, but realized this is not God’s will for me.  I have since made a conscious effort to INTENTIONALLY put myself before God and sup at His table.  There is nothing on this earth worth me losing my soul, my peace, my joy, or my mansion in Heaven.   

I also found that there are still unresolved issues in my life that I must face in order to take the venom from the enemy and make his weapons ineffective.  

Reflection

Looking at past experiences and taking note of changes that could be made to improve any future experiences, reflection, can be a difficult thing to do.  There is nothing like loss that will cause people to reflect on previous actions.  Loss of a job can make one think of all the things they did right; came in early, stayed late, helped others, and was a team player.  It can also make one think about the things that needed improvement; more people friendly, better customer service, mean, didn’t always put the best foot forward, replaceable.  

The loss of a loved one does the same thing.  After losing a loved one we tend to reflect on the relationship; was I the best friend I could be, was I available when I was needed, did I spend time with them, did I tell her I loved her enough?  We want to have no regrets when we lose a loved one, because death is so final.  There is no correcting actions when one party is no longer living.  The time to correct any wrongs is while all parties are alive and hopefully well. 

Death is the last hoorah for us.  So, let us live in a manner that truly garners no regrets.  Let us love hard.  Let us laugh often.  Let us hug with true comfort.  Let us tell others what they mean to us often.  Let us visit frequently.  We will not ever know when those we love and hold dear will depart this life.  But when they die or when we die, let our minds be free of regrets, our heart filled with love and not resentment, our eyes crinkled from much laughter, and our souls free hindrances.  This way, we soar with the wings of angels, going to meet our King.

Many of us have been touched by death at some point in our lives.  I have, and I have found myself thinking back on the relationship, wishing I had done things differently, hoping for a do-over.

My current relationships are important to me, and I plan to live a life that builds these relationships and not allow minor things to stop relationships.  

For family and friends alike, I want to say all the things I want you to hear, I want to hug you often, I want to eat meals together, hang out, and just enjoy your company.  So that when one of us is called home, I will have more memories to recall and smile about.  

Let us reflect while we still live, so all opportunities for regret will be extinguished.

Abuse

Abuse is not just physical. 

Please be aware of abusive people who appear to be docile, loving, caring, and repentant. Be aware of the signs of abuse that include humiliation, degradation, control, shaming, domination, accusing, blaming, and denial of own shortcomings. Some people utilize the silent treatment as a form of punishing, and they will emotionally abandon or neglect a relationship. When things don’t go their way, they will pull away, break up, or isolate themselves, and they will deflect blame and try to make you feel that things are your fault, until you comply or apologize.

Abuse can come from males and females. Abusers are manipulators. Beware of them, please. Remove yourself from them. They will cause years of damage if you stay.

Here

Though I have never been here

I will stay until you tell me to leave

Though I have never felt this

I will feel until you give me relief

Though I have never heard these words before

I will listen until you are done

Though I have never been here

I will remain until you tell me to go

Though I have never given my all

I will give all unto you

Though I have never trusted so completely

I will trust until my dying breath

Because I have some things I need to overcome

And I have places that I must go

I have dreams that need to manifest

And I have accomplishments to complete

I have a destiny to reach

So, I will stay here, right here until you tell me to go

I will listen until you stop talking

I will feel until you provide a reprieve

I will give until I have nothing left

And I will trust until I see

I will stay right here

Paula Bibbs-Samuels

Backseat Tears

As I travel back from a trip taken because of a family loss, I find myself thinking about life.

What is life but a whisper in the wind?  Some whispers last but a moment while others last years.  Regardless, life is fleeting, always being taken.  Each day we live is a day we are closer to death.... A fleeting whisper in the wind.

So, on this trip, I am reminded that during this life of mine, my own whisper, I must show love.  Love is the one thing that can break people down to the base of who they are.  Love, like the Bible says, covers a multitude of faults.

We are not equipped physically or spiritually to hold things against each other.  It causes our physical bodies to break down and it hinders our walk with Christ.  Not to mention it closes us off from people, causing separation when God created us to operate in togetherness.

So during the remaining whisper I have, I am determined to walk in love, forgive offenses, speak life, and tell others of my love.... Family and friends alike.

My whisper is but a vapor, but my love will last long after my whisper is gone.

Death

Death, we must all deal with it at some point in our lives.  Losing someone we care about is difficult for most people.  It’s not an easy journey to healing once you have lost a loved one.

I have been impacted by death also, on several occasions.  I understand that death is inevitable, but this knowledge never comforts me when a loved one is lost.  Regardless of how close or distant I am to a person, I find that if they die, I still mourn. 

The loss of my mother was the hardest death I have had to endure.  Now, every notification of death, takes me back to the moment my mother breathed her last breath.  She was a fighter, and fought her sickness until the bitter end.  Eventually she succumbed to death, but in the process she gained a heavenly home.

On Monday, I lost a cousin.  She, too, fought her illness until there was no more to fight.  As I think about her, her husband, and her children, I am reminded of how hard it was to lose my own mother.  I think about the good times this cousin and I had.  We didn’t agree on everything, but who does?  She was vibrant, full of life, happy, and an overall good person.  She loved family, and this was evident in her care of her immediate family, as well as the hard work she endured to keep the extended family together during family reunions.  As she battled cancer, she kept her spirits high and her words were always positive.  I thank God for her faith, because of her faith, she has opened her eyes in heaven.  This is the consolation our family can hold on to during this time of grief.

Dena,

Your smile was radiant

Your spirit uplifting

Your love was contagious

Your care evident

Your fight was hard

Your battle long

Your victory sweet

Your reward, your heavenly home

Your time on this earth seemed too short

But God knows what He is doing

We will remember all the goodness in you

As we hold on to the promise

To see you again

Beyond the clouds

With Love,

Paula Bibbs-Samuels

To the family of Beverly "Dena" Williams, know that you are covered in prayer, love, and comfort.

Different Battles = Different Approaches

Different Battles = Different Approaches

This week has been a different type of week for me.  I am struggling emotionally and I am not sure why.  I know that things have been constantly changing within my personal world, but nothing to definitely put my finger on to say, “this is why this is happening” or “this is why I feel the way I do”.  However, I have been feeling some type of way this week.  There seems to be no comfort to the downside of emotions I have, but there is no root for them either.

So, I have decided I am in a battle that I have not been in before.  We often fight battles on a daily basis.  We fight for our jobs by working diligently and with a minimal amount of errors.  We battle being good parents by attempting to make the right decisions for our children, discipline them correctly, and teach them the ways of the world, responsibility, and ownership.  We battle in relationships to make them work and to increase in our love for one another.  We battle spiritually to find balance and peace in our lives.

So, my battle is spiritual.  I get this.  However, I don’t believe I am going to be able to use my past experiences to get me through this fight.  Yes, I know to pray and read scripture to get direction on how to fight this battle, but I will not be able to depend on previous methods of operation in this fight.  This fight feels different.  I can’t put my finger on it, but there is a distinct difference in the battle, this call to action, this warfare than I have experienced previously. 

So, for this battle that is different, my approach will be different.  I understand that spiritually, the enemy wishes for my demise.  My weapons of warfare remain the same, but my battle strategy will be modified.  The end result remains the same, I will emerge victorious. 

Knowing how to fight is the beginning of this battle.  Knowing I must fight is the reason I am here.  Knowing my Savior has already won the victory is the reason I can go in unafraid, unworried, and undaunted.

#ThisMeansWar!

Planning

The New Year always brings about resolutions, and promises to do better.  We vow to make changes for the things we do not like. We find ourselves determined to lose weight, eat right, make better decisions, and save money.  All these things are good.  However, by February, we tend to have forgotten about all the empty promises made on January 1^st 

Bookstores gain profits, gyms gain memberships, companies selling exercise fads gain as well. Oftentimes by March, the books have dust on them, the gym memberships are going to waste, and the exercise equipment has become a clothes rack.  Why?

Though we have good intentions, we have little or no follow through.  Discipline is required to make lifelong changes.  You didn’t just gain fifty pounds in one day, therefore, those pounds will not come off in a week.  Most likely your finances did not go down the drain in one day, but this happened because of a series of bad monetary decisions.  So, it is safe to say it will take more than a month to recover from all these bad decisions. 

Though you can ruin your credit without a plan, you can gain one hundred plans without a plan, and you make horrible decisions without a plan, you cannot get out of debt without a plan, nor can you lose weight without a plan, and you cannot make the best decisions for yourself without a plan. 

So, take time to plan your next move.  If you are determined to do better, plan to do better, and stick to the plan.

Don’t let this year look so similar to last year that you can’t tell the difference.