Clinging and Hope

“Clinging [to someone or a way of doing things] is a form of denial that masquerades as hope.” (Bible App)

When I first read this, I thought of spiritual things.  I mean it was on a Bible App, so why wouldn’t I?

Anyway, after thinking about this for a few hours, I realized that this sentence has so many implications.  I thought about so many relationships in which there is one person who clings in hopes that the other person will change.  We cling to an abusive partner, believing that the abuse will stop…..when?  We cling to people who treat us badly believing we have done something to deserve it…..what?  We cling to all types of relationships and make excuses as to why we remain, but the other party continues in the destructive behavior with no consequences…. Why?

Just as the end of that sentence indicates, we do so because we are living in denial and this denial is masquerading as hope. 

As this year is ending and we are embarking on a new year, a new start, a new beginning, I would ask that you (whoever you are) to really look at your current situations and relationships.  Look at them honestly and decide if you have chosen to reject denial and accept false hope in these areas.  If your partner has cheated on you several times, if you have been beat more times than you can count, if you are depressed and don’t remember what happiness is, if you are simply getting by because you have no other method of coping, or if you simply are tired of your current state with no changes, then I dare you to go into this upcoming year with a different mindset.  Don’t deny what is right in front of you, wrapping it in a pretty bow and glitter.  Because once all the smoke and mirrors are gone, you are left with the harsh reality of your life. 

Realize that you are only responsible for changing you. People have to desire change and make efforts to change on their own.  You can’t control their desires or their efforts.  Sometimes people will play a role until you accept them again, but once they know they have you back in their vice grip, they will revert to their normal habits of misbehaving.  Let go!  Sometimes this is the hardest thing to do, but it is normally the best decision you can make in improving your life.  Stop clinging to things and people who are not clinging to you.  Recognize who you are, the jewel that you are, the good thing that you are, the Boaz that you are, the loving, caring, and worthy person that you are and let go of anything and anyone who does not treat you as you should be treated.  Don’t worry about your past and the mistakes that lie there.  Lift your head up, look forward, and move into your future without the chains of the past weighing you down.

Let go of false hope and cling to the prospects of your future.

Philippians 3:13 - "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,"

Paula Bibbs~Samuels

Absent Parent

When I got pregnant with my firstborn, I was not concerned with becoming a parent, because my mother was a great example of a parent, and I had family and friend support.  What I was concerned with was being a single parent.  This was the one thing that deterred me from wanting to have children at all. 

You see, I grew up without my biological father being an intricate part of my life.  I had a great step-father, but there is no replacement for a biological parent.  There is always a question of why he or she is not in your life.  As a kid, you wonder if you have done anything to make the absent parent leave.  You have thoughts that may seem ridiculous to others: am I ugly, am I too much, does he/she love me, what have I done, can I change and make it better…  These questions haunt you for years.  Even after the present parent continues to reassure you that there was nothing you could have done differently, you still hold an empty spot where your biological parent should fill.

Of course, I did not realize how deeply I was affected until I became pregnant.  After several promises and well thought out plans between the father and myself, I still found myself being a single parent.  This was not the plan at all.  Originally I was bitter.  I even began to hate the man that claimed love and that he would never leave his children regardless of what happened in our relationship.  The hate was hard to get over because I was constantly reminded of the one thing I truly did not want my children to experience because I knew first- hand how very difficult it is to have an absent parent, and even worse, a parent who is absent by choice. 

I also knew, as a female, how hard the rejection would be for my daughter.  Though her father did not actually reject her, he actively did so by remaining absent.  I knew that she would have issues with other males in her life.  I knew she would feel unloved, unworthy, and be at risk for accepting the first Joe Blow that whispered words of care, love, and who showed an interest.  There is no amount of teaching that can help a child truly understand that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are perfect, that they are worthy of love from both parents, that they are beautiful, and that they should not accept anything that is less than 100 from anyone attempting to enter a relationship with them when you have a parent who has chosen to be absent.  I have fought these feelings of unworthiness personally and I have tried to help my daughter navigate these feelings as well.  Though I have loved her with everything I have, the absent parent hole has never truly been filled in her life. 

Now, she is an adult attempting to navigate through life.  There are times that it seems like she have overcome the absence.  Then, there are times that it is evident she needed the absent parent to show her things I could not just by the very nature of me being a woman.  I could not teach my daughter the respectful love of a man because I am not a man.  I could tell her what it looks like.  Eventually I married a man who portrayed godly characteristics.  However, her forming years were over, and she has not really grasped what a loving man looks like.  Though she had men in her life who were positive role models, her father was not available, he was not there to teach her the basic principles of a man.  She does not understand that a man who loves you, respects you.  A man who respects you, covers you.  A man who covers you, protects you.  A man who protects you, loves you. 

I pray daily for my daughter to realize her worth, first in Christ, and then as a woman, because I want her to understand that she is a priceless jewel.  Not only is she beautiful outwardly, but she also has much to offer any relationship.  However, after over 18 years of wanting, it seems to get more and more difficult to put the mirror in her face and have her realize that she is worthy. 

So, for all those parents who could not make the relationship work, please do not allow your children to go lacking.  Children need both parents.  Work on the parent – child relationship in order to ensure your children are complete.  God is showing me every day that He is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  I will continue to depend upon Him to heal my daughter and complete her.

Addictions

Addictions are real.  Though most people are aware of common addictions, drugs, alcohol, sex, and OTCs.  Many are not aware of emotional addictions.  There are some who are addicted to abusive behavior.  Because of low self-esteem some believe that they deserve bad treatment.  These people stay in relationships long after they have become toxic.  The abuse is not always physical, but oftentimes emotional, mental, and verbal.  However, though the abused thinks they are okay, they are dying inside. 

What do you do to help a person who seems to only be happy when they are being taken advantage of?  How do you talk to a person who allows another to trample over them?  This is a very precarious situation to be involved in.  As with a physically abused person, they have to realize that this behavior is not appropriate, and they have to have the courage to step away from the situation.  This is not always easy, as they have been trained that they are nothing, they are ugly, they won’t survive, etc.  Fear is a major part of why the abused will stay in an abusive relationship.  They have become addicted to the treatment, thinking it is right, and the fear of doing “wrong” keeps them bound to the very person that is causing the harm. 

So, to all those who are abused, know that I am praying for God to open your eyes to the spiritual implications that are present in your situation.  I pray that you look in the mirror and see who God sees and who He has created you to be.  I pray that you will gain the courage to walk away from the abuser, regardless of the provision provided.  I pray for earthly angels to cross your path and help you, lead you, and direct you to the places you need to go for help.  I pray for family members to be patiently prayerful during this season of your life, and to be there when you do come to the realization that you are better.

Addictions are real.  Even the ones you can’t properly diagnose, monitor, or measure.

#ChangingTheWayIHandleThings

The Past

So often we are told to leave the past in the past.  People say things like “move on” or “get on with your life”.  I have no problem with people continuing their lives when traumatic things happen.  I do, however, have a problem with people trying to rush others through the process.  I do not promote stagnation, but neither do I support rushing through in an attempt to please someone else.  It seems there are some who are not in tune with their own feelings and emotions, and because of this, they find it hard when someone is openly or vaguely expressing emotions such as hurt, fear, or grief. 

I would like to give a little advice to those who are pushing others to sprint through a process that should be walked through.  Stop!  Though you are uncomfortable watching someone you care about go through the process, you do not have the right to rush them.  Just be a friend and be there.  Sometimes words are not needed, just knowing you care enough to be there is enough.

A word of advice to those who are struggling in the process.  Continue your struggle in your time.  Stay in this place as long as you need to as long as you are moving.  The pace of your movement is not important, it is the act of moving that dictates that you are still healing and that you are in the process.

For anyone saying “get over it,” “move on,” or “leave the past in the past,” to you I say, SHUT UP!  Let me explain to you what my past includes:  In my past I was molested, beat, choked to death, and abused.  My past contains some great hurdles that I was able to overcome and be successful in spite of them.  My past contains love, caring, family, friends, experiences that are great, laughter, and growth. I gave birth to two beautiful, smart, educated, and loving children in my past. These things I want to always be able to remember when life gets a little rough.  They can encourage me to continue in forward progress.  My past also contains death of family, friends, loved ones, and most importantly my mother.  Though this experience was extremely difficult, it was also a defining moment for me in my faith.  With her passing, I realized where I was spiritually and the things that I needed to work on.  I found out that my sisters and I are an unbreakable bond and that we bind more closely together when anything attacks our hearts, our peace, or our love.  I found through all of my past experiences that I am stronger than I thought, and there is a support system out there of people who literally cover me in prayer.  I found that though I don’t always feel God, I know He is with me.

So, I will never completely move on, get over it, or leave the past in the past, because it is my past that has defined who I am today.  Every experience has marked me in some manner.  Every scar has taught me a lesson.  Every joy has built my faith.  My past is me.  I don’t have to live in the past, but I also realize that my past prepared me to walk into the future God has destined for me.

#LoveThePast

#LearnFromThePast

Thankful

Several years ago there was this man who wanted to get into a relationship with me.  This individual was successful in his business dealings and he was financially set.  He made a point to inform me how much he was worth, and that he could provide for me in any way.  The only thing was this man was married with a family.  When I asked him about this, he responded that he was not happy in the marriage and that his wife had cheated on him years ago causing a lack of trust.  I asked why had he not divorced his wife and moved on with his life.  His excuse was that they had children, and as soon as the youngest child was in college he was going to file for divorce, but he didn’t want to break up their family and cause that turmoil on his children. 

I could understand his reasoning, but I could not understand how he was willing to do the very thing that caused him to distrust his wife.  I was also offended that he thought I would be a part of his plan, while waiting for at least eight years for his youngest child to graduate high school.  Needless to say, I did not get involved in this relationship even after countless attempts.  This married man would plan trips to come and visit me, and I would be unavailable because I knew the purpose of the visit.  This person would call me at all times of night until I blocked his number.  He would contact me via facebook messenger to have lengthy conversations until I expressed to him that this was not for me, and I unfriended him.  He was persistent.  As a single mother, there were times that I considered his proposal, because my money was not as vast as his.  However, I never acted on the consideration.

I am glad that I never fell into the trap of lies this man fed me, because today, his youngest child is probably around thirty years of age and he and his wife are still married.  I am not sure if they are happily married or not, but the point is they are still married.

So, during this Thanksgiving season, I would like to express that I am thankful that I did not allow the lure of financial gifts to draw me into a relationship that would have devalued who I am and dishonored my Christian beliefs.  I am thankful that I waited for the man, the King that God had for me.  I am thankful that I am in a loving, caring, productive, honest, and faithful relationship with a man who values me and my faith.

Prayer

The thing about prayer is that everyone sees it differently.  Some see prayer as communication with God, while others consider prayer a means to an end.  I can't tell anyone how to pray, nor can I tell you what prayer is to you.  However, I can say that prayer is my lifeline.  If I am unable to pray, I find it hard to maneuver through life with all its twists and turns.  My prayers are not a laundry list of demands, desires, and requests.  My prayer is usually a time to thank God for what He has done for me, and of course I pray for my family and those I know - even those I don't know.  I pray for the state of the nation, and yes I often wonder if my prayers are heard.  Either way, I pray. 

My one hope is prayer - - - What is yours?  What is the thing that allows you to live in a dying world?  Whatever it is, keep doing it.  We need you to live!

Warfare

The other day I was in a low place.  I was exhausted from everything going on in my life, and I was not feeling well.  I had other obligations, and this included a meeting.  During this meeting, I was ridiculed for one thing.  It was not too bad, but this ridicule coupled with fatigue broke me emotionally.  I have never felt this way before, and I have battled depression.  

This brokenness was different from anything I have ever experienced.  As I traveled home, I was on this road that is normally dark and scarcely traveled.  As I drove, the enemy attacked me in a manner that both shocked and scared me.  Every failure, every rejection, every misstep, and every mistake was whispered to me.  It was as if there were several people in my car just reminding me of the times I was not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough….not enough.  I literally felt darkness trying to invade my being, my soul.  I pulled over and cried out to God.  I realized this was something different, something that I could not fight alone, actually, I could not fight this at all.  There was no way to physically fight a spiritual being or attack. 

God fought for me, and I came out victorious, but not without knowledge.  I realized that in my busyness, I have not been as apt to study God’s word or really sit at His feet and allow Him to talk to me and prepare me for the unknown.  This is why I was caught off guard.  I was ready to give up EVERYTHING and just be when this attack started, but realized this is not God’s will for me.  I have since made a conscious effort to INTENTIONALLY put myself before God and sup at His table.  There is nothing on this earth worth me losing my soul, my peace, my joy, or my mansion in Heaven.   

I also found that there are still unresolved issues in my life that I must face in order to take the venom from the enemy and make his weapons ineffective.