Warfare

The other day I was in a low place.  I was exhausted from everything going on in my life, and I was not feeling well.  I had other obligations, and this included a meeting.  During this meeting, I was ridiculed for one thing.  It was not too bad, but this ridicule coupled with fatigue broke me emotionally.  I have never felt this way before, and I have battled depression.  

This brokenness was different from anything I have ever experienced.  As I traveled home, I was on this road that is normally dark and scarcely traveled.  As I drove, the enemy attacked me in a manner that both shocked and scared me.  Every failure, every rejection, every misstep, and every mistake was whispered to me.  It was as if there were several people in my car just reminding me of the times I was not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough….not enough.  I literally felt darkness trying to invade my being, my soul.  I pulled over and cried out to God.  I realized this was something different, something that I could not fight alone, actually, I could not fight this at all.  There was no way to physically fight a spiritual being or attack. 

God fought for me, and I came out victorious, but not without knowledge.  I realized that in my busyness, I have not been as apt to study God’s word or really sit at His feet and allow Him to talk to me and prepare me for the unknown.  This is why I was caught off guard.  I was ready to give up EVERYTHING and just be when this attack started, but realized this is not God’s will for me.  I have since made a conscious effort to INTENTIONALLY put myself before God and sup at His table.  There is nothing on this earth worth me losing my soul, my peace, my joy, or my mansion in Heaven.   

I also found that there are still unresolved issues in my life that I must face in order to take the venom from the enemy and make his weapons ineffective.  

Reflection

Looking at past experiences and taking note of changes that could be made to improve any future experiences, reflection, can be a difficult thing to do.  There is nothing like loss that will cause people to reflect on previous actions.  Loss of a job can make one think of all the things they did right; came in early, stayed late, helped others, and was a team player.  It can also make one think about the things that needed improvement; more people friendly, better customer service, mean, didn’t always put the best foot forward, replaceable.  

The loss of a loved one does the same thing.  After losing a loved one we tend to reflect on the relationship; was I the best friend I could be, was I available when I was needed, did I spend time with them, did I tell her I loved her enough?  We want to have no regrets when we lose a loved one, because death is so final.  There is no correcting actions when one party is no longer living.  The time to correct any wrongs is while all parties are alive and hopefully well. 

Death is the last hoorah for us.  So, let us live in a manner that truly garners no regrets.  Let us love hard.  Let us laugh often.  Let us hug with true comfort.  Let us tell others what they mean to us often.  Let us visit frequently.  We will not ever know when those we love and hold dear will depart this life.  But when they die or when we die, let our minds be free of regrets, our heart filled with love and not resentment, our eyes crinkled from much laughter, and our souls free hindrances.  This way, we soar with the wings of angels, going to meet our King.

Many of us have been touched by death at some point in our lives.  I have, and I have found myself thinking back on the relationship, wishing I had done things differently, hoping for a do-over.

My current relationships are important to me, and I plan to live a life that builds these relationships and not allow minor things to stop relationships.  

For family and friends alike, I want to say all the things I want you to hear, I want to hug you often, I want to eat meals together, hang out, and just enjoy your company.  So that when one of us is called home, I will have more memories to recall and smile about.  

Let us reflect while we still live, so all opportunities for regret will be extinguished.

Abuse

Abuse is not just physical. 

Please be aware of abusive people who appear to be docile, loving, caring, and repentant. Be aware of the signs of abuse that include humiliation, degradation, control, shaming, domination, accusing, blaming, and denial of own shortcomings. Some people utilize the silent treatment as a form of punishing, and they will emotionally abandon or neglect a relationship. When things don’t go their way, they will pull away, break up, or isolate themselves, and they will deflect blame and try to make you feel that things are your fault, until you comply or apologize.

Abuse can come from males and females. Abusers are manipulators. Beware of them, please. Remove yourself from them. They will cause years of damage if you stay.

Here

Though I have never been here

I will stay until you tell me to leave

Though I have never felt this

I will feel until you give me relief

Though I have never heard these words before

I will listen until you are done

Though I have never been here

I will remain until you tell me to go

Though I have never given my all

I will give all unto you

Though I have never trusted so completely

I will trust until my dying breath

Because I have some things I need to overcome

And I have places that I must go

I have dreams that need to manifest

And I have accomplishments to complete

I have a destiny to reach

So, I will stay here, right here until you tell me to go

I will listen until you stop talking

I will feel until you provide a reprieve

I will give until I have nothing left

And I will trust until I see

I will stay right here

Paula Bibbs-Samuels

Backseat Tears

As I travel back from a trip taken because of a family loss, I find myself thinking about life.

What is life but a whisper in the wind?  Some whispers last but a moment while others last years.  Regardless, life is fleeting, always being taken.  Each day we live is a day we are closer to death.... A fleeting whisper in the wind.

So, on this trip, I am reminded that during this life of mine, my own whisper, I must show love.  Love is the one thing that can break people down to the base of who they are.  Love, like the Bible says, covers a multitude of faults.

We are not equipped physically or spiritually to hold things against each other.  It causes our physical bodies to break down and it hinders our walk with Christ.  Not to mention it closes us off from people, causing separation when God created us to operate in togetherness.

So during the remaining whisper I have, I am determined to walk in love, forgive offenses, speak life, and tell others of my love.... Family and friends alike.

My whisper is but a vapor, but my love will last long after my whisper is gone.

Death

Death, we must all deal with it at some point in our lives.  Losing someone we care about is difficult for most people.  It’s not an easy journey to healing once you have lost a loved one.

I have been impacted by death also, on several occasions.  I understand that death is inevitable, but this knowledge never comforts me when a loved one is lost.  Regardless of how close or distant I am to a person, I find that if they die, I still mourn. 

The loss of my mother was the hardest death I have had to endure.  Now, every notification of death, takes me back to the moment my mother breathed her last breath.  She was a fighter, and fought her sickness until the bitter end.  Eventually she succumbed to death, but in the process she gained a heavenly home.

On Monday, I lost a cousin.  She, too, fought her illness until there was no more to fight.  As I think about her, her husband, and her children, I am reminded of how hard it was to lose my own mother.  I think about the good times this cousin and I had.  We didn’t agree on everything, but who does?  She was vibrant, full of life, happy, and an overall good person.  She loved family, and this was evident in her care of her immediate family, as well as the hard work she endured to keep the extended family together during family reunions.  As she battled cancer, she kept her spirits high and her words were always positive.  I thank God for her faith, because of her faith, she has opened her eyes in heaven.  This is the consolation our family can hold on to during this time of grief.

Dena,

Your smile was radiant

Your spirit uplifting

Your love was contagious

Your care evident

Your fight was hard

Your battle long

Your victory sweet

Your reward, your heavenly home

Your time on this earth seemed too short

But God knows what He is doing

We will remember all the goodness in you

As we hold on to the promise

To see you again

Beyond the clouds

With Love,

Paula Bibbs-Samuels

To the family of Beverly "Dena" Williams, know that you are covered in prayer, love, and comfort.

Different Battles = Different Approaches

Different Battles = Different Approaches

This week has been a different type of week for me.  I am struggling emotionally and I am not sure why.  I know that things have been constantly changing within my personal world, but nothing to definitely put my finger on to say, “this is why this is happening” or “this is why I feel the way I do”.  However, I have been feeling some type of way this week.  There seems to be no comfort to the downside of emotions I have, but there is no root for them either.

So, I have decided I am in a battle that I have not been in before.  We often fight battles on a daily basis.  We fight for our jobs by working diligently and with a minimal amount of errors.  We battle being good parents by attempting to make the right decisions for our children, discipline them correctly, and teach them the ways of the world, responsibility, and ownership.  We battle in relationships to make them work and to increase in our love for one another.  We battle spiritually to find balance and peace in our lives.

So, my battle is spiritual.  I get this.  However, I don’t believe I am going to be able to use my past experiences to get me through this fight.  Yes, I know to pray and read scripture to get direction on how to fight this battle, but I will not be able to depend on previous methods of operation in this fight.  This fight feels different.  I can’t put my finger on it, but there is a distinct difference in the battle, this call to action, this warfare than I have experienced previously. 

So, for this battle that is different, my approach will be different.  I understand that spiritually, the enemy wishes for my demise.  My weapons of warfare remain the same, but my battle strategy will be modified.  The end result remains the same, I will emerge victorious. 

Knowing how to fight is the beginning of this battle.  Knowing I must fight is the reason I am here.  Knowing my Savior has already won the victory is the reason I can go in unafraid, unworried, and undaunted.

#ThisMeansWar!