The Past

So often we are told to leave the past in the past.  People say things like “move on” or “get on with your life”.  I have no problem with people continuing their lives when traumatic things happen.  I do, however, have a problem with people trying to rush others through the process.  I do not promote stagnation, but neither do I support rushing through in an attempt to please someone else.  It seems there are some who are not in tune with their own feelings and emotions, and because of this, they find it hard when someone is openly or vaguely expressing emotions such as hurt, fear, or grief. 

I would like to give a little advice to those who are pushing others to sprint through a process that should be walked through.  Stop!  Though you are uncomfortable watching someone you care about go through the process, you do not have the right to rush them.  Just be a friend and be there.  Sometimes words are not needed, just knowing you care enough to be there is enough.

A word of advice to those who are struggling in the process.  Continue your struggle in your time.  Stay in this place as long as you need to as long as you are moving.  The pace of your movement is not important, it is the act of moving that dictates that you are still healing and that you are in the process.

For anyone saying “get over it,” “move on,” or “leave the past in the past,” to you I say, SHUT UP!  Let me explain to you what my past includes:  In my past I was molested, beat, choked to death, and abused.  My past contains some great hurdles that I was able to overcome and be successful in spite of them.  My past contains love, caring, family, friends, experiences that are great, laughter, and growth. I gave birth to two beautiful, smart, educated, and loving children in my past. These things I want to always be able to remember when life gets a little rough.  They can encourage me to continue in forward progress.  My past also contains death of family, friends, loved ones, and most importantly my mother.  Though this experience was extremely difficult, it was also a defining moment for me in my faith.  With her passing, I realized where I was spiritually and the things that I needed to work on.  I found out that my sisters and I are an unbreakable bond and that we bind more closely together when anything attacks our hearts, our peace, or our love.  I found through all of my past experiences that I am stronger than I thought, and there is a support system out there of people who literally cover me in prayer.  I found that though I don’t always feel God, I know He is with me.

So, I will never completely move on, get over it, or leave the past in the past, because it is my past that has defined who I am today.  Every experience has marked me in some manner.  Every scar has taught me a lesson.  Every joy has built my faith.  My past is me.  I don’t have to live in the past, but I also realize that my past prepared me to walk into the future God has destined for me.

#LoveThePast

#LearnFromThePast

Thankful

Several years ago there was this man who wanted to get into a relationship with me.  This individual was successful in his business dealings and he was financially set.  He made a point to inform me how much he was worth, and that he could provide for me in any way.  The only thing was this man was married with a family.  When I asked him about this, he responded that he was not happy in the marriage and that his wife had cheated on him years ago causing a lack of trust.  I asked why had he not divorced his wife and moved on with his life.  His excuse was that they had children, and as soon as the youngest child was in college he was going to file for divorce, but he didn’t want to break up their family and cause that turmoil on his children. 

I could understand his reasoning, but I could not understand how he was willing to do the very thing that caused him to distrust his wife.  I was also offended that he thought I would be a part of his plan, while waiting for at least eight years for his youngest child to graduate high school.  Needless to say, I did not get involved in this relationship even after countless attempts.  This married man would plan trips to come and visit me, and I would be unavailable because I knew the purpose of the visit.  This person would call me at all times of night until I blocked his number.  He would contact me via facebook messenger to have lengthy conversations until I expressed to him that this was not for me, and I unfriended him.  He was persistent.  As a single mother, there were times that I considered his proposal, because my money was not as vast as his.  However, I never acted on the consideration.

I am glad that I never fell into the trap of lies this man fed me, because today, his youngest child is probably around thirty years of age and he and his wife are still married.  I am not sure if they are happily married or not, but the point is they are still married.

So, during this Thanksgiving season, I would like to express that I am thankful that I did not allow the lure of financial gifts to draw me into a relationship that would have devalued who I am and dishonored my Christian beliefs.  I am thankful that I waited for the man, the King that God had for me.  I am thankful that I am in a loving, caring, productive, honest, and faithful relationship with a man who values me and my faith.

Prayer

The thing about prayer is that everyone sees it differently.  Some see prayer as communication with God, while others consider prayer a means to an end.  I can't tell anyone how to pray, nor can I tell you what prayer is to you.  However, I can say that prayer is my lifeline.  If I am unable to pray, I find it hard to maneuver through life with all its twists and turns.  My prayers are not a laundry list of demands, desires, and requests.  My prayer is usually a time to thank God for what He has done for me, and of course I pray for my family and those I know - even those I don't know.  I pray for the state of the nation, and yes I often wonder if my prayers are heard.  Either way, I pray. 

My one hope is prayer - - - What is yours?  What is the thing that allows you to live in a dying world?  Whatever it is, keep doing it.  We need you to live!

Warfare

The other day I was in a low place.  I was exhausted from everything going on in my life, and I was not feeling well.  I had other obligations, and this included a meeting.  During this meeting, I was ridiculed for one thing.  It was not too bad, but this ridicule coupled with fatigue broke me emotionally.  I have never felt this way before, and I have battled depression.  

This brokenness was different from anything I have ever experienced.  As I traveled home, I was on this road that is normally dark and scarcely traveled.  As I drove, the enemy attacked me in a manner that both shocked and scared me.  Every failure, every rejection, every misstep, and every mistake was whispered to me.  It was as if there were several people in my car just reminding me of the times I was not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough….not enough.  I literally felt darkness trying to invade my being, my soul.  I pulled over and cried out to God.  I realized this was something different, something that I could not fight alone, actually, I could not fight this at all.  There was no way to physically fight a spiritual being or attack. 

God fought for me, and I came out victorious, but not without knowledge.  I realized that in my busyness, I have not been as apt to study God’s word or really sit at His feet and allow Him to talk to me and prepare me for the unknown.  This is why I was caught off guard.  I was ready to give up EVERYTHING and just be when this attack started, but realized this is not God’s will for me.  I have since made a conscious effort to INTENTIONALLY put myself before God and sup at His table.  There is nothing on this earth worth me losing my soul, my peace, my joy, or my mansion in Heaven.   

I also found that there are still unresolved issues in my life that I must face in order to take the venom from the enemy and make his weapons ineffective.  

Reflection

Looking at past experiences and taking note of changes that could be made to improve any future experiences, reflection, can be a difficult thing to do.  There is nothing like loss that will cause people to reflect on previous actions.  Loss of a job can make one think of all the things they did right; came in early, stayed late, helped others, and was a team player.  It can also make one think about the things that needed improvement; more people friendly, better customer service, mean, didn’t always put the best foot forward, replaceable.  

The loss of a loved one does the same thing.  After losing a loved one we tend to reflect on the relationship; was I the best friend I could be, was I available when I was needed, did I spend time with them, did I tell her I loved her enough?  We want to have no regrets when we lose a loved one, because death is so final.  There is no correcting actions when one party is no longer living.  The time to correct any wrongs is while all parties are alive and hopefully well. 

Death is the last hoorah for us.  So, let us live in a manner that truly garners no regrets.  Let us love hard.  Let us laugh often.  Let us hug with true comfort.  Let us tell others what they mean to us often.  Let us visit frequently.  We will not ever know when those we love and hold dear will depart this life.  But when they die or when we die, let our minds be free of regrets, our heart filled with love and not resentment, our eyes crinkled from much laughter, and our souls free hindrances.  This way, we soar with the wings of angels, going to meet our King.

Many of us have been touched by death at some point in our lives.  I have, and I have found myself thinking back on the relationship, wishing I had done things differently, hoping for a do-over.

My current relationships are important to me, and I plan to live a life that builds these relationships and not allow minor things to stop relationships.  

For family and friends alike, I want to say all the things I want you to hear, I want to hug you often, I want to eat meals together, hang out, and just enjoy your company.  So that when one of us is called home, I will have more memories to recall and smile about.  

Let us reflect while we still live, so all opportunities for regret will be extinguished.

Abuse

Abuse is not just physical. 

Please be aware of abusive people who appear to be docile, loving, caring, and repentant. Be aware of the signs of abuse that include humiliation, degradation, control, shaming, domination, accusing, blaming, and denial of own shortcomings. Some people utilize the silent treatment as a form of punishing, and they will emotionally abandon or neglect a relationship. When things don’t go their way, they will pull away, break up, or isolate themselves, and they will deflect blame and try to make you feel that things are your fault, until you comply or apologize.

Abuse can come from males and females. Abusers are manipulators. Beware of them, please. Remove yourself from them. They will cause years of damage if you stay.

Here

Though I have never been here

I will stay until you tell me to leave

Though I have never felt this

I will feel until you give me relief

Though I have never heard these words before

I will listen until you are done

Though I have never been here

I will remain until you tell me to go

Though I have never given my all

I will give all unto you

Though I have never trusted so completely

I will trust until my dying breath

Because I have some things I need to overcome

And I have places that I must go

I have dreams that need to manifest

And I have accomplishments to complete

I have a destiny to reach

So, I will stay here, right here until you tell me to go

I will listen until you stop talking

I will feel until you provide a reprieve

I will give until I have nothing left

And I will trust until I see

I will stay right here

Paula Bibbs-Samuels